Dealing With Judgment (Part 1): Before You Fear Their Judgment, Face Your Own
Show Notes
The fear of judgment keeps too many amazing people playing small. In Part 1 of this two-part series, Rhonda Lavoie gets vulnerable about the times she was the judge, teaching you the system of Self-Analysis. You'll learn why that neutral reaction to your biggest ambitions—like the Paced App—is a "Them Problem," a reflection of their baggage and fear, not a verdict on your worth
In This Episode:
(00:10) - The primal reason we fear judgment: Your anxiety is just your primal survival instinct at work.
(01:50) - The framework: Why stepping into The Arena means criticism is a certainty.
(02:30) - The hard truth: Why your own internal criticism is the root of Them Problem.
(03:23) - Failure 1 (Upward Comparison): Rhonda's unfiltered "What could you write a book about?" moment.
(04:56) - Failure 2 (Fear of Loss): The internal battle when a friend joined the competition.
(06:33) - Let's Make This Real: The 30-second self-analysis challenge.
(07:08) - The Passive Them Problem: Why the Paced App conversations "fall flat".
(08:37) - Rhonda's self-analysis: The 5 reasons for the neutral reaction (Intimidation, Envy, Fixed Mindset, etc.).
(11:49) - The Lesson: Understanding their Anchor and seeing criticism as "mere data" about their internal state.
(13:35) - Tease for Part 2: Forging Your Armor and curating whose opinion matters.
Resources Mentioned:
This episode discusses concepts related to Brené Brown's work on vulnerability and The Man in the Arena.
Follow the Paced App journey: getpaced.app.
🔗 CONNECT WITH RHONDA
Website: rhondalavoie.com
Instagram: @rhonda.lavoie
Facebook: Rhonda Lavoie
TikTok:@ rhonda.lavoie
Follow the Paced App journey: getpaced.app
Music for The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast: "Sunny Days" by Jimmy Gunnarsson via Descript.
Transcript
[00:00:05] Welcome back to The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast. I'm so glad you guys are here. This is the show that is all about getting it done and keeping it at real. Today we are digging into a topic that keeps more amazing people playing it small than almost anything else. It's the fear of judgment. If you've ever had a big idea and then felt that sudden sinking feeling that asks, what if people think I'm silly or they laugh at me?
[00:00:43] Then this episode is for you. I first, I want you to know something right now. I'm just gonna tell you how it is that fear. Is not a sign of weakness. No, you're not flawed. You are hardwired. That flicker of panic you feel when you put yourself out there or you put your idea out there, it's your system's survival instinct at work.
[00:01:17] You see, for our ancestors, if they were rejected by the group, it wasn't a bad day. It was a straight up death sentence. Historically, being judged or cast out was literally life threatening. So that anxiety is just your primal survival instinct kicking in, ringing loud and clear. So how do we handle it?
[00:01:50] Well, the framework I used to think about risk, whether you're launching your side hustle, starting a difficult conversation, or putting yourself out there in any way is the arena. And here's the truth, plain and simple, if you decide to step into the arena and start building what you want, criticism isn't a possibility.
[00:02:17] It's a certainty. The question isn't how to avoid judgment, but how to become resilient to it. And to do that, we have to start by looking in the mirror. The truth is we can't stand up to external criticism until we get brutally honest about our own internal criticisms. We often fear being judged because if we're being totally honest, we have been the judge, and this is what research calls the them problem.
[00:03:00] Why? Because when someone judges your ambition or your your risk. Their reaction is actually a reflection of their own baggage, their jealousy, their fear, or their insecurity. It is absolutely nothing to do with you or the merit of your idea.
[00:03:23] I wanna keep it real here. If we are being honest, we have all been the judge, and I'm no exception. One of the first times that came to mind when I was looking for ideas to share with you was when an entrepreneur I admired mentioned she had a goal to write a book, and my initial unfiltered instant gut reaction was to laugh and say,
[00:03:54] what could you write a book about? Really, my gut was twisting with that intense sting you get when someone you admire moves ahead.
[00:04:04] That's what they call upward social comparison. I looked up to her. And when she announced an ambition, I was too scared to even attempt. My brain went into full defense mode. That judgment was a mirror reflecting my own insecurity, my own stuck ambition, and my envy that she had the guts to try. Here's the kicker.
[00:04:28] At the time, I truly didn't realize that's what I was doing. It was only years later when I was much more self-aware and started doing this kind of self-analysis that I realized I was trying to knock her down a peg just to alleviate my own pain. I was sitting in the cheap seats criticizing that person in the arena, all because of my own stuff.
[00:04:56] Now, if that first story was about my own insecurity, the next one hits closer to home because it was driven by the messy side of human connection, the fear of loss. A friend, someone I truly value mentioned she wanted to leave our company and join the competition.
[00:05:15] I immediately felt a deep. Negative reaction. I didn't tell her all the reasons she shouldn't leave, but believe me, there was a whole scroll of information and arguments playing out in my head. Outwardly, I was supportive of her decision, but deep down I was worried she was going to move on and leave me behind.
[00:05:38] My initial thought wasn't about her career growth, it was about me. My resistance came from a place of fear of loss. The judgment, the one I kept bottled up came from wanting to keep her close, which when you look at it would've held her back. It was totally self-focused. The truth is that private bottled up judgment was all about my own need for comfort.
[00:06:09] That's the messy work of being honest with yourself though. Realizing your internal criticism of others is almost never about their choice. It's always about a reflection of your own stuff, your envy, your insecurity, or your fear of loss. Now, I want you to apply this truth to your life right now. Let's just hit pause and make this real.
[00:06:33] I want you to close your eyes If you're not driving or you're able to, of course, or just maybe you can pause the podcast for 30 seconds, and I want you to think about a person you recently criticized, even if it was silently. Now, what's the one thing they have that you are secretly afraid to admit you want, and jot it down.
[00:07:02] That feeling is the key to your own fear.
[00:07:08] But this problem isn't just about how we judge. It's about what happens when we are the ones being judged, which frankly is even harder to deal with. Now, let's just bring this like right up to today because I'm dealing with this opposite side of this coin right now with The Paced App I'm passionate about it, and yet when I talk about it with people, the conversation just falls flat.
[00:07:39] It's frustratingly neutral. Before we dive into that final segment about The Paced App, I just wanna hit pause for one quick second. I'm keeping it real with you here today, and if you are finding this helpful. Seriously, I, I'd just love it if you hit that share button right now and text it to one person who's struggling to step into their own arena.
[00:08:03] It's the best way to help me keep these conversations going. Now, back to The Paced App, why that neutral reaction is so confusing? That neutral response is often more confusing than outright criticism. You walk away thinking, did I like just bore them? Is my idea actually terrible? And that feeling is exhausting, but this flat conversation is the passive form of the them problem.
[00:08:37] And I know exactly what's going on. I've been on the other side of this. Remember I've been doing a lot of self-analysis on those flat conversation, and this is what I've figured out. For starters, I realize some people are just plain intimidated by the work. They look at the risk of building a global app and immediately think, I could never do that.
[00:09:02] That feeling of inadequacy is really uncomfortable for them, and my ambition becomes a mirror highlighting their own stuck position. They can't celebrate me because it forces them to confront what they're not doing. Their silence is really a confession.
[00:09:21] They've locked away their own big dreams and seeing me chase mine just makes them feel the weight of their own inaction. Then there's a whole other group dealing with the Unreadiness for Change. They realize they need the app, but they aren't ready to admit it yet.
[00:09:42] The Paced app forces them to confront their current habits, the Doomscrolling, the time waste, admitting that they need the app means they have, you know, they have to own the problem and start the hard work of changing their behavior. It is easier just to give a flat reaction and stay in denial. And then we have the quiet envy and minimizing folks.
[00:10:08] They see the possibility of success and that triggers a lack of movement in their own life. Their flat reaction is a way to try and signal that this huge scary risk I'm taking is no big deal. It's their way of trying to knock me down a peg so that they don't have to deal with their own feelings.
[00:10:29] They're actively deflating my momentum because they're hoping to alleviate the pain of their own comparison by minimizing my effort. Fourth, some people have a fixed mindset and simply can't process the idea. Think about it, when the iPhone first came out. Everyone compared it to a Blackberry with a big screen.
[00:10:55] When I talk about The Paced App, some people are genuinely stuck in their fixed mindset. If it doesn't fit into their current categories of social media or productivity, they have no box for it. They don't know how to celebrate it, so they just default to silence. And finally, there's the fear of being left behind.
[00:11:19] They worry that success will take me away from them, that I'll be too busy or I'll outgrow the relationship. So their lack of enthusiasm is really a subtle plea for the familiar. They just want me to stay right where I am, so the relationship stays comfortable, predictable. This isn't malicious, it's just human fear of change, and they're projecting it onto my app.
[00:11:49] And this is where this self-analysis system really works. Think about it this way. Everyone has an anchor, a set of pre-existing beliefs and core values that anchor acts as a filter. If your big idea like launching the Paced App doesn't align with their comfortable set of rules.
[00:12:10] It immediately gets tossed into their, that's crazy bucket. If their anchor is built on, say, financial security is the only value, they're going to instantly criticize the idea and here's the shift. When you truly understand that their criticism is just a quick response based on their worldview, their envy, their insecurity, or their fear.
[00:12:39] You are able to stop internalizing that rejection. You learn to see their reaction, not as a final verdict on your worth, but mere data about their internal state. That's the key. That is the power of self-analysis. The first step to becoming immune to judgment of others is admitting that we have all been the judge When we understand our own fears that fuel those quick judgmental reactions. We build the empathy and resilience needed to discuss the fears of others projected onto us.
[00:13:17] So your takeaway today is simple. If you are afraid of the judgment first face your own history of delivering it. Use self-analysis to understand that the person in the cheap seat is usually just projecting their own stuff onto you.
[00:13:35] And next week we're moving into the part two of this, which is Forging Your Armor. We'll be talking about how to take a powerful framework developed by Brene Brown to actively build resilience, and more importantly, curate whose opinion you allow yourself to care about. Alright. That's what I've got for you this week.
[00:13:59] Thank you for hanging out with me. I truly appreciate that you tune in. If this conversation resonates with you, please do me a favor. Share this episode with one person you know who might need to hear it right now. Maybe they're playing small because of fear, or maybe they just need to know they're not alone in the arena.
[00:14:19] Remember, this is The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast. New episodes drop every Tuesday. And you can find the show notes and full transcript at rhondalavoie.com. And hey, if you're interested in The Paced App, my project is all about helping you take back your time at your pace. Follow the journey at getpaced.app.
[00:14:39] Until next time, get it done and keep it real.
