Friendship Audit Strategy: Why Outgrowing Your Circle is Necessary

Written By Rhonda Lavoie

Show Notes

Stop staying small just to keep everyone else comfortable.

We’ve all heard that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, but we rarely talk about the guilt that comes when that "average" starts to feel like a weight. If you’re the one always reaching out, playing therapist, or shrinking so you don't make others uncomfortable, this episode is your permission slip to start fresh.

In this episode, I’m diving into what I call The Loyalty Loop Trap—the habit of staying tethered to people from your past just because of history, even when you've clearly outgrown the season. We talk about The Mud-Season Paradox and why the "messy middle" of growth feels so awkward. I’ll also show you how to stop using your phone as a Phone Shield so you can actually find the people meant for your next season.

In This Episode:

  • (00:04) – The Lock Screen Audit: Who is holding your emotional energy?

  • (01:35) – Why your phone is an energy leak (and how to fix it).

  • (03:12) – The Mud-Season Paradox: Why the tulips are worth the mud.

  • (05:50) – The Loyalty Loop Trap: Permission to outgrow your history.

  • (08:45) – The Messy Middle: Why growth feels uncomfortable.

  • (13:08) – Wait or Walk: How to find your "new five" without hiding.

  • (14:06) – Recap & Your Weekly Challenge

Resources Mentioned:

  • Concept: The Loyalty Loop Trap

  • Concept: The Mud-Season Paradox

  • Concept: The Phone Shield Effect

  • The Paced App:getpaced.app

This Week's Challenge:

Stop being the initiator. For one week, pay attention to who meets you halfway and who only shows up when they need something. Then, reach out to one "Fill" friend who actually makes you feel lighter.

🔗 CONNECT WITH RHONDA

·       Music for The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast written and recorded by Wade and Tan Fehr.

Transcript

[00:00:04] I've heard it a thousand times. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. It's one of those things people say at networking events or you see in your Instagram feed. You've seen it right? You keep scrolling past without giving it much thought, but I want you to actually look at it for a second.

[00:00:33] If you aren't driving, I want you to pick up your phone and look at the last five people you messaged with. Well, unless you're a real estate agent like me, then the last five people most definitely have been other agents setting up showings or asking about listings.

[00:00:49] But seriously, think about the people in your life who actually hold your emotional energy. Now, if those five people are constantly venting. If they're stuck in the same drama they were in five years ago, or if they only reach out when they need you for something or to be their therapist, what does that make your average?

[00:01:18] If those five people feel like a weight, when you see their names pop up on your lock screen, pay attention to that. We've become so conditioned to just react to every buzz in our pocket that we've lost the ability to choose who gets our attention.

[00:01:35] Your phone isn't just a communication tool. It's an energy leak. If you don't audit your notifications. You're letting everyone else's drama run your day. We audit our bank accounts. We audit our business expenses. Heck, we even audit the pantry to purge expired goods, but we are terrified to audit our circles.

[00:02:02] Why? Well, we are scared that if we stop carrying everyone else's bags, we'll be alone. But what if we flip the script a bit? What if holding onto these tired relationships is actually holding you back from something more, something amazing? Today we are going to dive into what it means to stop being loyal to people who are dragging you down and open up to possibilities.

[00:02:36] Welcome back to the Rhonda Lavoie podcast. I am your host, Rhonda Lavoie. I'm coming to you today from a very muddy, very hopeful Saskatchewan. If you're living anywhere in the prairies right now, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We are in what, our sixth spring, I think the snow is almost gone again, but the beautiful green grass isn't here yet.

[00:03:02] Instead, we have mud puddles, dirty brown grass and potholes. But spring is a magical time of year. It is the time of year that everything gets to start new. The crocuses and the tulips are usually the first to emerge. It's truly magical.

[00:03:21] They peek their beautiful little heads out each spring signaling to us that spring is here. But I wonder what if we started each spring with that same fresh approach? What if we gave ourselves permission to start fresh?

[00:03:42] I think we feel so much guilt about this because we think friendships are supposed to be forever or they're a failure. So we do everything to hold onto friendships, even after we vote grown it. But we go through these massive stages of growth where we naturally make and shed friends.

[00:04:00] Think about it. In high school, it's easy because you're all in the same place. You're basically the same age with the same goals. Then maybe you go to college or university. Same thing, same place, similar age, similar goals. Then you enter the workforce. The ages might start to vary, but you all have one thing in common.

[00:04:19] The workplace. Or how about when you get married or have kids? They create circles, but again, roughly the same age and similar goals, but then the kids leave home or you're like me and you start a business. All these stages are exactly that. A stage or a cycle or a season.

[00:04:43] Whatever you call it. And with each change in season, just like spring, things change and start anew. Think about it. The people you knew in high school, most likely are not the same people you spend your time with today. Sure, you might have that one or maybe two friends that you have hung on to. Maybe you had a similar path over the years, which has allowed you to stay connected and it just makes sense.

[00:05:11] Feels good. But I wonder, have you done just that Hung onto them? Are they someone you should have Shed a long time ago. Now, shedding sounds harsh. I don't mean you have to leave them behind, entirely. I mean, should they still be one of the five? Should they still hold that much space in your life?

[00:05:41] I've come to terms with the fact that I am allowed to grow even if others don't want to. It's a choice. You aren't being loyal by staying in a loop that doesn't fit your life anymore. You're just holding yourself back.

[00:06:01] I'll be real with you. I've shed some layers over the years, but I finally decided to stop engaging in toxic behavior or carrying the weight of one-sided conversations. The relief was amazing. I no longer had to put out the energy required for that exhaustion. It was peaceful.

[00:06:24] But I want you to really look at your relationships for a second. Are you always the one who reaches out? Are you the only one checking in? If you stopped being the initiator today, would that friendship even exist tomorrow? Earlier I said that we worry about being alone. Well, the truth is that can happen.

[00:06:52] That lonely feeling might come because when we make changes, it feels uncomfortable. That newness is awkward, and we miss the comfort of the way it was the comfort of the same old, same old, even if it was draining us dry. But here's what I've realized, holding onto those draining relationships isn't just exhausting.

[00:07:17] It's actually blocking your path. When you keep your circle filled with people who don't see your growth or who keep pulling you back into the old version of yourself, you are limiting your potential. you're staying small to keep them comfortable. Let me say that one more time 'cause I think it's important you're staying small.

[00:07:42] To keep them comfortable. You have to clear the space. Before the new person can find the door, and that's exactly where I am. For me, I have shed some of that weight over the years, and I've cleared the space and because I did, I find myself right now in this messy middle, I'm in the in-between stages. In between seasons.

[00:08:13] The people I had in my life matched the life I had then. As I grow, my business grows. Brielle gets older. I need to find the new people to go with my new beginning. Now, the hard part, how do you do that? How do you find your people when you feel out of place? Well, it's hard, but you have to let yourself feel uncomfortable and just let it happen.

[00:08:45] You have to put yourself out there. Take a risk, be open to new conversations with unfamiliar people, it is like those tulips peeking outta the mud. They're vulnerable. They're in a totally new environment, but they have to push through the dirt to see the sun.

[00:09:04] So. If you are looking at your phone right now and you're just feeling exhausted by the messages that don't fill your life anymore, here's my advice. Change the narrative when those texts come in. Don't just engage in the same old conversation because that's what you've always done.

[00:09:23] You know the script. They vent, you comfort, and around and around you go instead. Maybe be a little blunt. Maybe you just suggest that you talk about something else. Next time the venting starts, try this. I care about you, but I'm out of emotional energy for this specific topic. Can we talk about what you're excited for next instead? Then give them an out. Make a suggestion.

[00:09:51] Maybe talk about a new book you're reading or a TV show that just came out, or a movie you saw. Keep it fairly neutral. And here's a tip. Make sure your topics aren't politics or religion. We all know those don't go anywhere good. Now keep in mind. It might take changing the subject or pushing in that new direction a few times before your friend really understands that you no longer want to be that person for them, and that's okay.

[00:10:20] This is something you can do gently. It doesn't have to be harsh. Obviously, you care about this person. You just no longer want to have to have the same draining conversations over and over again. You are giving them a choice. They can grow with you or they can choose not to. Either way, you've stopped feeding the fire.

[00:10:43] When you stop playing your old role, one of two things is gonna happen. Either that person is going to realize they need to change their tune to keep up with the new version of you, or they're naturally going to drift away. And that drift, that's okay. It's clearing the space for the person who actually wants to talk about the future instead of just the past.

[00:11:11] This all loops back to that pattern in life I was talking about. We go from high school to university to kids to business. Each transition brings a new set of people. That is a normal healthy pattern. If we fight that pattern, if we try to force a relationship to fit the season, it was never meant for, we aren't allowing ourselves to grow.

[00:11:37] So I want you to give yourself permission to step back and look at what season you are in right now. Look at those five people. Are they the ones who fill your cup today? Or are the people you're still hanging onto from high school just because of the history? Or maybe they're the friends you had when your kids were toddlers, but now your kids are grown and that common ground is gone.

[00:12:02] Remember, this doesn't mean you only have five friends in the whole world. It just means that the five people who are closest to you are the ones who are shaping your life. They are your average. So who are the five that fill this new season?

[00:12:20] Is it okay to grow into that new circle? Absolutely. In fact, it's necessary.

[00:12:31] But look. I know that even when you know it's necessary, it's still tough because when we're in this in-between stage, when we're sitting in the awkwardness of a new beginning, the first thing we want to do is reach for that phone. Think about it. We reach for it like a digital pacifier. The second we feel a little bit out of place, we use this screen as a shield so we don't have to sit in the silence.

[00:13:00] We'd rather scroll through the lives of people we don't even like than face the fact that our circle is changing. And this is exactly why I built Paced. when I reach for my phone to hide from the discomfort of growth Paced gives me a choice.

[00:13:16] I can wait, sit in that silence for a few minutes and actually process the season I'm in. Sometimes those three minutes of waiting feel like an eternity, but in that silence, I usually find the answer I was trying to avoid by scrolling or I could walk, I can take a lap around the yard or stroll down the block to clear the digital noise and get my head right.

[00:13:42] For me, a hundred steps isn't about fitness. It's about a three minute headstart on my intentional life. It makes sure I'm staying open to new real life connections instead of just numbing out in a screen.

[00:13:56] I wanna leave you with a little homework this week. First, I want you to take a hard look at your last few texts, to be honest with yourself.

[00:14:06] Are you always the one reaching out? If you are, maybe it's time to stop for a minute and see who actually meets you halfway. Then I want you to reach out to the one. Fill person, the person who actually checks in on you and makes you feel like you're heading in the right direction.

[00:14:28] And if you find yourself reaching for the phone, just to avoid the awkward feeling of this transition, I want you to try Paced, use that wait or walk moment to decide if you really wanna be on the app or if you are just hiding, clear the noise so you can see the tulips.

[00:14:48] Finally, if someone starts that same old conversation that drains you, suggest something new, change the script. Rake out the dead stuff.

[00:14:57] Embrace the awkwardness of the messy middle and see what starts the bloom. I promise you, the tulips are worth the mud. If you enjoyed the show today, i'd love it if you left a five star review or shared this episode with a friend who really needed to hear it. We all have that one friend in our life who is carrying too many bags.

[00:15:20] . Send this to her. For full show notes and more resources, I want you to visit rhondalavoie.com. Don't let a crowded circle or a noisy phone keep you from your new season. Audit the noise. Take the walk. See the tulips. I'm Rhon Lavoie. Get it done. Keep it real. I'll see you next week.

Rhonda Lavoie
Next

Why Your "Yes" is a Logic Trap: Reclaiming Your Peace in a Season of Overwhelm