Visual Competition & Anxiety: Why Your Home Feels Heavy (And How to Fix It)

Written By Rhonda Lavoie

Show Notes

Have you ever walked into your kitchen, looked at a pile of mail on the counter, and felt an immediate sense of dread? It’s not because the mail is hard to open; it’s because of what it represents.

In this episode, we are tackling that physical "ants in your pants" feeling—the internal itch that makes you feel twitchy and unable to relax, even when you've finally earned a moment on the couch.

The Science of "Visual Competition" Rhonda breaks down the biology behind why you can’t relax in a cluttered room. It's called Visual Competition. Your brain is physically competing for attention with every item in your peripheral vision, treating every object like an open browser tab that is draining your battery in the background.

Monuments of Shame Rhonda also shares a deeply personal realization she had while preparing for this episode. She opens up about her own office "sanctuary" and how she realized a stack of tax forms wasn't just procrastination—it was a way to punish herself for financial guilt. We explore the concept of "Monuments of Shame" and why staring at your mistakes doesn't actually help you fix them.

The 5-Minute Reset If you are tired of being the "clutter police" in your marriage or feeling like you are living under a dark cloud, this episode provides a simple, "unfancy" tool to help you find your oxygen again. We discuss how to lower the barrier to entry with the 5-Minute Reset—because you don't need to climb the whole mountain today; you just need to clear a spot to stand.

In This Episode:

  • (03:12) – The "Ants in Your Pants" feeling is actually a flight response.

  • (05:27) - Rhonda’s personal story: How tax forms became a tool for self-punishment.

  • (07:44) - Moving from "Clutter Police" to supportive partner.

  • (09:51) - The Science: What is "Visual Competition?".

  • (10:46) - Why "Decision Fatigue" makes you want to cry at 6:00 PM.

  • (11:37) - The Tool: The 5-Minute Reset.

  • (14:42) - Recap & Your Weekly Challenge

Resources Mentioned:

  • Concept: Visual Competition - The biology of how your brain scans the room.

  • Concept: Decision Fatigue - Why every object is a "tiny question".

This Week's Challenge:

Don't look at the whole house. Just find one surface. Set that timer for five minutes and give yourself that one clear spot. Send me a photo of your clear counter!

🔗 CONNECT WITH RHONDA

·       Music for The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast written and recorded by Wade and Tan Fehr.

Transcript

[00:00:05] have you ever walked into the kitchen, looked at the mail, piled up on the counter, and felt an immediate sense of dread? Not because the mail is hard to open, but because of what it represents. Maybe it's bills you are stressed out about, or school forms you're behind on. I wanna talk today about why we do this to ourselves, why we let these piles exist, and how they actually drain our battery.

[00:00:32] Before we even start the day, we're gonna talk about the "ants in the pants" feeling and why you should have a sanctuary area in your home, and how a simple five minute timer can help you find some oxygen again, because at the end of the day. We aren't just cleaning counters, we're clearing the clouds so we can actually breathe.

[00:00:56] Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. I'm your host Rhonda Lavoie, and I'm really glad you guys are here. Today, I wanna talk about something that's been on my mind, and honestly, it's probably sitting on your kitchen island right now too. We're talking about the stuff piles. The visual noise that just seems to follow us around the house.

[00:01:19] In my world of real estate, I'm in and outta houses all the time. I see the staged versions, and I see the real versions too, but I've realized that a house doesn't actually feel like a home if you can't find a spot to just sit and breathe. You know what I mean? That feeling where you walk into a room and you just.... sign, instead of walking in and immediately feeling your shoulders, he chopped to your ears because you are looking at everything that needs to be done. So I have to be honest with you, as I was preparing for this episode, I had a massive realization. I've always looked at those piles as just clutter.

[00:02:04] You know, things you get to when you have time. But as I started digging into the why for this show, I realized that for me, those piles weren't about being disorganized at all. I realized that my piles were actually me punishing myself for our financial situation.

[00:02:26] It was like if I've left that bill or that tax form out on the counter, I was forcing myself to stay in the guilt of it. I was leaving the baggage in plain sight because opening it felt like facing reality I wasn't proud of yet. I was subconsciously saying, you don't deserve to clear space until you suffer through this.

[00:02:48] So today is about the reset. We aren't trying to be Pinterest perfect. We're just looking for a way to quiet the noise. We'll talk about the "ants in your pants" feeling and find a way to clear the sky so we can breathe a little easier. To get started, let's talk about that physical feeling. I've said it a couple times now.

[00:03:12] You know the one, the ants in your pants. It's that moment where you're finally finished the day the kids are settled, or you're just closing the laptop. You go to sit on the couch, you're supposed to be relaxing. You've earned it, right? But you can't. You're twitchy. You're adjusting the cushions. You're looking around the room and you feel this internal itched to just get up and go. Somewhere, anywhere.

[00:03:41] I've realized that's actually a flight response. Your brain is scanning the room. Even if you aren't looking directly at the pile of, unfiled bills or the school forms, your peripheral vision is picking them up. Your nervous system is basically saying, Hey, we aren't safe to rest yet.

[00:04:02] look at all these open loops. Think about your brain like a computer, every piece of clutter. It is an open tab in your browser. You might be trying to watch a show or having a conversation, but in the background, . Your brain is running at a hundred percent capacity just trying to keep track of all those unfinished decisions.

[00:04:24] It's exhausting, and the worst part, you don't even realize why you're so tired. You just feel like you're living under this constant, low level dark cloud. It's funny because as I was sitting in my office the other day. Getting my notes together for this very episode.

[00:04:44] I had a moment that honestly stopped me in my tracks. Now most of you know my office is my space. It's a separate building. It's kind of my sanctuary. It's where I go to be the entrepreneur, the real estate agent, the podcaster. And that's where I get things done. It's the one place where I have total control over what's in front of me.

[00:05:04] But I was sitting there looking at a stack of tax forms and client paperwork on the corner of my desk, and I had to look in the mirror. I've been telling myself I was just too busy to deal with them. You know, the lie we tell ourselves, I'll get to it Friday. But as I was digging into the research for the show.

[00:05:27] I realized I wasn't leaving those papers there because I was busy. I was leaving them there as a way to punish myself. I was literally forcing myself to stare at the evidence of financial situation I wasn't proud of. It was like I was saying to myself, Rhonda, you don't have the luxury of a peaceful, clear workspace until you've suffered through the guilt of the situation.

[00:05:47] It wasn't about the task of filing. It was about holding onto the monument of my own shame. And every time I walked into my sanctuary, my office, I was draining my battery before I even opened my laptop. I was punishing myself into a state where I didn't even have the energy to fix the problem I was worried about.

[00:06:08] And the part that really got to me, the part I'm still kind of chewing on is that I didn't even realize I was doing it. I thought it was just being a bit disorganized. I thought I was getting around to it. It wasn't until I sat down to really look at the why for this episode that I saw it for what it really was.

[00:06:31] That pile wasn't just a to-do list, it was a weight. Does that hit home? Because it was a heavy realization for me .To realize that my own brain was sabotaging my peace of mind, and I didn't even have a clue. And this immediately changed how I thought about the rest of my house. I started thinking about the piles in the kitchen, or the end tables, or the ones that belonged to Crystal, and I had to stop and I ask myself. If I didn't realize I was using my piles to punish myself.

[00:07:06] How can I judge what's going on with hers? See, crystal and I have had to really navigate our different thermostats, if you like, for clutter. And I used to look at piles of hers and think, why is this still here? But now I look at it and I wonder what that pile is holding for her.

[00:07:25] I realize that she's just picking her battles. It's not that she doesn't see the mess. She sees it, but she's being intentional about her mental energy that day. She's managing her capacity to handle the baggage inside those envelopes.

[00:07:40] Just like I was, it shifted everything for me.

[00:07:44] It stopped me from being the clutter police and turned me back into a partner. Because I realized that if I'm struggling with my own shame monuments, the last thing I should be doing is judging someone else for how they manage theirs.

[00:08:02] We think we're keeping these piles as reminders. So often they're just monuments to our own shame. We leave the bill on the counter or the tax form on the desk because we're punishing ourselves for the situation that put them there. But here's the truth. Staring at your mistake doesn't fix them.

[00:08:21] It just drains the battery you need to actually solve the problem. You cannot build a better future if you're using your workspace to whip yourself for the past. Give yourself the oxygen of a clean desk so you actually have the mental capacity to move forward. But just because I understand why the pile is there doesn't mean it's not still draining my battery.

[00:08:42] And that's the trap we fall into.

[00:08:45] We think that handling it means we have to solve the whole financial problem right now. And look. If it's my pile, the solution is simple. I have to stop punishing myself and just move the baggage. But when I walk into the kitchen and it's her pile, if I just bark at her to clean it up because it's giving me anxiety, I'm just adding to her mental load.

[00:09:06] I'm making my anxiety, her problem to solve, but instead, I've learned to make it an US plan. I'll say something like, crystal, I know we're both navigating a lot today, but can we come up with an US plan to deal with this pile? Honestly, it's giving me a bit of anxiety and I just need to get it out of the line of sight.

[00:09:26] When you make it about anxiety and the shame instead of the mess, you aren't judging them, you're just asking for help, so you both can breathe. And here's why that anxiety is so real. It's not just in your head, it's in your biology. There's this concept called visual competition. Researchers have found that our brains constantly scan our environment.

[00:09:58] When you're sitting at your desk or standing in your kitchen, your brain isn't just looking at the one thing you're trying to do. It sees everything. If there's a pile of unfiled paperwork or a stack of mail in your peripheral vision, your brain is physically competing for attention. It's like trying to have a conversation while someone is standing next to you constantly tapping on your shoulder.

[00:10:24] You can still do it, but you're using double the energy. That's the battery drain. You're exhausted by 7:00 PM not because of what you did. But Because of what your brain was fighting all day, and it's more than just seeing the mess. It's the decision fatigue. Every single object in your house is a tiny question.

[00:10:50] Your brain asks, is this important? Does it go upstairs? by 6:00 PM you've answered 10,000 tiny questions and you've used up all your decision fuel.

[00:11:00] That's why you don't feel like cleaning. You feel like crying. When we clean, when we clear a surface, we are removing those questions. So the brain can finally stop working.

[00:11:16] So if we aren't aiming for magazine Perfect House, what does a reset actually look like, in real life. It's about lowering the barrier until it's so small. You can't say no to it. Like we talked about last episode, we used the five minute timer

[00:11:37] because when we're already feeling like your internal battery is at 5%, the idea of cleaning feels like a mountain. You don't have the gear to climb. A reset isn't a deep clean, it's just closing enough visual tabs so your brain can stop idling its engine. You pick up one square foot of the kitchen island or one corner of the desk, and if you've got a massive pile that's been there for three weeks,

[00:12:02] you don't have to deal with the whole thing. That's the mistake we make. We think that it's all or nothing, but if that pile is giving you anxiety, even just take the top three items off and deal with them. This is a win.

[00:12:15] You don't need to climb the whole mountain today. You just need to clear a spot to stand. If you're looking at a surface that's covered in baggage, set a timer for five minutes. Your goal isn't to organize the junk drawer, it's just to find a square foot of granite on the counter.

[00:12:32] Find a corner of the desk where your eyes can rest. We aren't aiming for clean, we're aiming for functional. We're just trying to close enough tabs in our brain so we can finally sit down without feeling like the walls are closing in.

[00:12:48] When it comes to the people we live with, we have to be so careful. Just because you found the energy to face your shame monuments doesn't mean they are in the same place. One of the hardest things to learn when you're sharing a space is that your partner's pile isn't your burden to carry. Their stressors aren't yours.

[00:13:11] And here's the thing, they usually don't even expect you to take the weight on. We do it to ourselves. You can offer to help. You can move the baggage to give yourself some oxygen, but you don't have to take on the weight of what that pile means to them.

[00:13:29] You are responsible for your own peace. You can support them, but you don't have to drown in their clouds just to prove you love them. If their pile is draining your battery, move it for your own sake, but leave the emotional weight of it with them.

[00:13:46] It's theirs. When you do this, when you take those five minutes and just clear that one spot. It's like watching the sky finally start to clear. The crazy thing is I didn't even realize I was living under a dark cloud until I started digging into this for the show. I didn't even realize why I was holding onto my own piles in my office that day that I was subconsciously using them to punish myself.

[00:14:17] I just thought I was tired. For so many of us, we've been under that cloud for so long, we don't even see it anymore. But when that cloud finally lifts, and you can look across the room and actually see a clear surface, your whole body reacts. Your shoulders drop. You can breathe deeper. You can actually sit on the couch and stay there.

[00:14:42] I want that for you this week. So here's my challenge. Don't look at the whole house. Just find one surface. Set that timer for five minutes and give yourself that one clear spot. And remember, be honest about your anxiety. Offer a hand to your partner, but keep your boundaries firm.

[00:15:04] You deserve a home that feels like a sanctuary. And once you get that five minute win, I wanna see it. Send me that photo of that clear counter. Let's celebrate that bit of blue sky together. Before I go, I just wanna say a huge thank you for spending this time with me.

[00:15:21] I know how busy your life is and the fact that you choose to spend your time here means the world to me. I truly appreciate you being part of this community. If you found some value in today's conversation. Or if you know someone who is currently struggling with their own shame monuments, please share this episode with them.

[00:15:41] And if you have a second to leave a five star rating and a review, it helps so much in getting this conversation to the women who need it most. And remember, you deserve to breathe in your own home.

[00:15:50] So find that surface, set that timer, and let's keep it real and get it done. I'll see you next week.

Rhonda Lavoie
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How to Get Motivated When You’re Exhausted: The Science of Starting