Good Girl Syndrome & People Pleasing: Why Being "Nice" Costs You Money

Written By Rhonda Lavoie

Show Notes

We are taught from a young age that our job is to be the "social lubricant." We are told to be agreeable, to keep the peace, and to shrink ourselves so other people feel comfortable.

But there is a massive difference between being Nice and being Kind.

"Nice" is external. It is about pleasing people because you are worried about how they feel about you. It is fear-based. "Kindness" is internal. It is about honesty and integrity. And sometimes, kindness isn't nice.

In this episode, I break down the Good Girl Syndrome that plagues ambitious women. We talk about the "Spinach Rule," why silence isn't polite (it's actually permission for bad behavior), and the "Guilt Hangover" you will feel when you finally set a boundary.

I also share a personal announcement: I am turning 50 on February 13th, and I am celebrating by stepping WAY out of my lane to launch my new tech app, Paced.

In This Episode:

  • (00:05) – The "Double Standard": Why aggressive men are "Sharks" but aggressive women are "Bitchy".

  • (02:28) – The "Spinach Rule": The life-changing difference between Nice vs. Kind.

  • (04:40) – The "Cat Pee" Example: Why staying silent to save your own comfort is actually selfish.

  • (06:41) – Strategic Warmth: How to use "soft skills" as leverage (Emotional Intelligence) instead of a reflex.

  • (09:30) – The "Guilt Hangover": Why setting boundaries makes you physically sick—and why that means it's working.

  • (12:56) – Friendly Fire: Dealing with criticism from other women in your industry.

  • (14:13) – Your Weekly Challenge: How to stop apologizing for taking up space.

  • (15:38) – Launching Paced: Why I decided to build a tech startup at 50.

Resources Mentioned:

  • The Paced App: Launching officially on the Android Store on February 13th

This Week's Challenge:

I want you to practice taking up space. When you have an opinion? Say it without the "I just think..." or the backstory. Just say it. When someone interrupts you? Don't smile and let them. Say, "Hold on, I wasn't finished."

🔗 CONNECT WITH RHONDA

·       Music for The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast written and recorded by Wade and Tan Fehr.

Transcript

[00:00:05] I had a moment recently where I looked around my industry of real estate and I got really angry because I realized something about the women I work with. Ambitious, incredible women. We are told that we aren't allowed to be aggressive.

[00:00:23] We aren't allowed to be salesy. We sure as the hell aren't allowed to be loud. If a man in this industry is aggressive, he's a shark, he's a leader, he's crushing it. If a woman does the exact same thing, mimics his exact tone. She's bitchy, she's too much. She's emotional. God forbid we try to do it our way.

[00:00:48] You know, put a little flare on it, wear pink. Then we're fluffy. We aren't taken seriously. So we spend our whole careers trying to walk this impossible tightrope

[00:01:02] don't be too soft, but don't be too hard. Don't take up too much space, and frankly, I'm done with it and I think you are too.

[00:01:16] Welcome back to the podcast. I'm your host, Rhonda Lavoie. Before we get into today's topic, and it's a big one, I wanna make sure you don't miss what's coming up this season. So do me a favor, hit the subscribe button right now. Go ahead, I'll wait.

[00:01:39] Okay, done. Good. Today we need to talk about the good girl, and I don't mean your daughter, I mean you, I'm talking about that voice in your head. That tells you to be nice, to keep the peace, to shrink yourself so that other people feel comfortable. I used to think that voice was my conscience.

[00:02:02] I used to think it was just me being a polite Canadian, but lately I've realized it's something else entirely. It's conditioning and it's costing us money. It's costing us time, and it is costing us our self-respect. So grab your coffee. Let's get into it.

[00:02:26] I wanna start with a distinction that changed my life.

[00:02:28] The difference between being nice and being kind. We use them interchangeably, right? But they aren't the same. Nice is external. Nice is about being agreeable. It's about pleasing people. When you are nice, you are worried about how the other person feels about you.

[00:02:52] You wanna be liked, you wanna smooth things over. Nice is fear-based where kindness. Kindness is internal. . Kindness is about honesty. It's about integrity. Sometimes kindness isn't nice. Let me give you a real example, something simple. You're at lunch with a girlfriend and she has a giant piece of spinach stuck in her front teeth. Nice. Says nothing. Nice. Doesn't want to make her feel embarrassed in the moment. Nice. Avoids the awkwardness. So you let her smile at the waiter, the barista and everyone else looking like that kind, kind says, Hey, uh, you might wanna check your front teeth,

[00:03:44] you got a little something stuck right there. It stings for a second. But it saves her dignity for the rest of the day. Or let's talk business. You have an employee or a contractor who's drowning, they just aren't cutting it. The good girl boss, she keeps them. She picks up their slack. She works late to fix their mistakes because she doesn't want to be the mean boss and fire them.

[00:04:15] That isn't nice. That is cruel. You are letting them fail every single day. Kindness is looking them in the eye and saying, this isn't the right seat for you. It's setting them free to find a job where they can actually win. And I see this in real estate all the time too. Let's say I walk into a client's home and it smells like cat pee, strong.

[00:04:40] Now the nice Rhonda, the good girl, she doesn't say anything. The she doesn't wanna hurt the client's feelings, so she smiles. She lists the house and she prays. And guess what happens? The house sits on the market for six months. The client loses money, they get frustrated. That wasn't nice at all.

[00:04:59] That was selfish. I would be protecting my comfort because I didn't want the awkward conversation. Now the kind Rhonda, the one who actually cares about the result. She says, Hey listen, I love this house, but we have an odor issue and if we can't fix it, you're gonna lose 20 grand. Is that awkward? Yeah. Is it nice?

[00:05:23] Well, maybe not, but is it kind? Absolutely. Because it protects their investment. It tells them the truth. See the difference. Nice. Protects you from conflict, kind protects the truth. I think a lot of us, especially women in their forties and fifties, we spend decades being nice because we're taught that was our job.

[00:05:49] Our job was to be the social lubricant, the buffer, and we need to stop.

[00:05:56] Now, I want to pause here for a second because I'm gonna hear some of you arguing with me in your cars. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, but Rhonda, I work in sales, I work in hr. I can't just walk around being blunt all day. I have to be likable to do my job. If I stop being nice, I lose the deal.

[00:06:16] And you know what? You are absolutely right. There's a lot of advice out there right now on Instagram or LinkedIn, telling women to stop softening our language. Stop wasting time on chitchat. Just get to the point. Basically, act like a man, be transactional, be cold, be efficient, and I wanna call BS on that because life isn't black and white and business definitely isn't.

[00:06:41] There is a massive difference between being a doormat and being a strategist. We need to know the difference because sometimes, sometimes you need the warmth. Think about it. If I'm negotiating a deal and I need a massive favor from the other agent, and maybe that agent is known for being difficult, do you think I'm coming in like a bulldozer?

[00:07:07] Do you think I'm calling them up? Barking demands? Absolutely not. They will put up a wall so fast, I won't even get a foot in the door. You better believe I'm using my soft skills. I'm asking about their weekend. I'm listening to them vent about their crazy sellers for 10 minutes.

[00:07:26] I'm validating their feelings. I'm going to be the most charming person they dealt with this week. Why? Because I'm scared of them. No, because I know that if I can get them to lower the defenses, I can get what my client needs. That is not good girl syndrome. That is emotional intelligence.

[00:07:49] That is using warmth as leverage. You are in control of the dial. You are choosing to be soft because it creates safety, and safety closes deals. The problem, the good girl trap. When you can't find the off switch, it's when the other agent is disrespecting you or the client is walking all over you or someone is stealing your commission and you still sit there and listen to them vent.

[00:08:19] You still smile and nod because you are terrified of the conflict. That is the difference. Strategy is a choice. You are doing it on purpose. People pleasing is a reflex. You are doing it because you're scared, and that is what I want you to look at this week.

[00:08:39] Are you doing it because it works or are you doing it because you're hiding? But here is the hard truth and nobody talks about this part. When you decide to turn off that switch, when you decide to stop being strategic and start being real because a boundary has been crossed, it is gonna suck. I wanna be really honest about the cost of Good Girl syndrome.

[00:09:08] We talk about it like this, we empowering rah rah moment, like you're going to stand up for yourself, and suddenly the Wonder Woman theme song is going to play and you're going to feel amazing. It's not like that. When you first start taking up space, when you tell a client no, or you tell a family member that's not okay, you aren't going to feel powerful.

[00:09:30] You're going to feel like you're going to throw up. It's like a hangover. Have you ever done that? You finally set a boundary. You finally say, no, I can't do that for free, or No, you can't talk to me like that. And then you go home and you lay in bed at 3:00 AM and you panic. Your brain starts spinning. Was I too harsh?

[00:09:53] Are they mad at me. Did I just ruined my reputation? Oh my God, I should just text them and apologize. Your body is physically reacting. You might be sweating. Your heart might be racing because your nervous system is so used to keeping the peace that when you break that pattern. It thinks you're in danger.

[00:10:14] It thinks you've done something wrong. And I need you to hear this because I wish somebody had told me this 20 years ago that guilt. It doesn't mean you did something wrong. It means you're breaking a muscle that has been frozen for years. If you don't feel a little bit guilty, you probably aren't setting a real boundary.

[00:10:36] The guilt is just growing pains. It means you're changing. So when you feel that hangover hit, when you get that urge to hit the just kidding text. Don't do it. Don't apologize. Don't backtrack. Sit in the yuck, drink some water, and trust that it gets easier. The first time feels like a crisis, but I promise you if you keep doing it, eventually you won't even blink.

[00:11:06] It just becomes your new normal. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm turning 50 in 10 days, and when you hit that milestone, you start looking back at how you handled things. I remember a situation from a couple of years ago with my daughter, Brielle. There was an incident at school, a group of kids were spitting on other kids, and one of the kids getting spat on was mine.

[00:11:35] Now the old me, the good girl I was trained to be, I would've hesitated. I would've thought, well, I don't wanna be that mom. I don't wanna cause drama with the other parents, or make it awkward to pick up. I would've prioritized their comfort over the fact that this behavior was absolutely not okay.

[00:11:52] But I stopped myself and I thought, wait a minute. If Brielle was the one spitting, if she was the one doing that, I would wanna know. As a parent, I would want the chance to correct it. So I didn't stay silent. I reached out to the parents. I wasn't mean, I wasn't screaming, I was just factual. I said, Hey, this is happening.

[00:12:16] It's not okay. I thought you should know. And you know what? The sky didn't fall. But even if it had, I realize that being a good girl protects no one. Silence isn't polite. Sometimes silence is just permission for bad behavior.

[00:12:36] So why do we do this? Why do we shrink? Part of it is the old boys club. Sure. We know that story. We know that if a man is aggressive, he's a shark. But if we do it, we're bitchy. But I'm gonna be honest with you, and this might ruffle some feathers, the harshest criticism I've ever received in this industry.

[00:12:56] It didn't come from the men, it came from the women. There is this weird thing that happens. We're so conditioned to believe that there's limited space for us at the top. We think there's only one seat at the table.

[00:13:09] So instead of pulling up another chair for a sister, we sharpen her elbows. We look at a woman who is loud or wearing pink or doing it differently. And instead of saying good for her, we say, who does she think she is? It's cutthroat and it hurts more because it's friendly fire.

[00:13:29] And we need to dig into why we do that. Because if you catch yourself judging a woman for taking up space, if you see a woman being unapologetic and it makes you angry, you need to ask yourself why. Are you actually mad at her? Or are you mad because she's holding up a mirror? She's showing you what is possible.

[00:13:51] She's showing you that you could take up space too, and it's terrifying. Because if she can do it, what's your excuse? It is so much easier to tear her down and call her too much than it is to admit that you're playing too small. Her bravery feels like an attack on your fear.

[00:14:13] So here's my challenge to you this week. I want you to practice taking up space. I don't mean being loud. I don't mean being rude. I mean owning your lane. When you have an opinion, say it without the, without the story, without the, I just think, just say it. When someone interrupts you, don't smile and let them. Say, hold on. I wasn't finished. When you see another woman taking up space, when you see her being loud and proud, don't roll your eyes. Cheer for her because every inch of ground she takes makes it safer for you to stand there too.

[00:15:00] Speaking of taking up space, this brings me to something I've been working on. You guys know I'm a real estate girl. That is my lane. That is what I know. So deciding to launch a tech app, deciding to build Paced, that was scary. That was me stepping out of my lane.

[00:15:18] There was a huge part of me, the good girl part, that said, Rhonda, stay in your box. You don't know how to code. Who do you think you are? People are going to judge you. And yeah, people probably are judging me. But I saw a problem. People are addicted to their phones, they're losing their families to screens.

[00:15:38] And I saw a solution. So I decided to take up space in the tech world. Paced isn't just an app to block your social media, it's a commitment to your space. It's saying, my time, my brain, my attention, this belongs to me. When that timer kicks in and you lock out the noise, you are prioritizing yourself over the world.

[00:16:00] You are saying, I'm not available for consumption right now. And here's the kicker. We are launching this officially February 13th, which happens to me my 50th birthday. I can't think of a better way to ring in a new decade than doing something that scares the crap out of me. I'm giving myself permission to be a beginner,

[00:16:21] again. I'm giving myself permission to take up space in a brand new industry. So keep your eyes peeled on the Android store.. It's coming on the 13th, and no, I'm not apologizing for plugging it here either because it works. So that's your homework this week. I want you to look at where you're being nice, when you should be kind, where you protecting someone else's feelings at the expense of your own truth. Stop apologizing for existing. Stop apologizing for the cat pee. And for Pete's sakes, stop apologizing for taking up space.

[00:16:55] You've earned it. And remember, if you want to support me in taking up space, Paced hits the Android store, February 13th, my big five. Oh, I would love for you to check it out. For the show notes, links to the apps and everything else we talked about today, head over to rhondalavoie.com. I'll see you next week.

Rhonda Lavoie
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