Dealing With Judgement (Part 2): Forging Your Armor
Show Notes
Let's be honest: criticism stings. We're wired for connection, so the fear of being judged is a powerful (and totally human) trigger. How often does that feeling make you "just check your phone for a minute," only to look up 45 minutes later wondering where the time went?
You're not scrolling because you lack willpower; you're scrolling to escape a feeling. That's a normal response, not a personal failing.
In this episode (Part 2 of our series on judgment), we move from the "them problem" to the practical fix: Forging Your Armor. I'll share Dr. Brené Brown's "arena" strategy and explain why you must stop taking feedback from people in the "cheap seats". We'll build a complete system to build real resilience, including how to identify your "Success Squad" and implement three daily skills: adopting a growth mindset , using the "Tuesday Rule" for self-compassion , and a simple CBT tool to finally silence your inner critic.
Tired of this feeling? You're not alone. I'm building a tool to help you notice that pattern and get your power back. Join the 'Paced' app waitlist.
In This Episode:
[00:01:40] - Why the common advice to 'just ignore the haters' is useless (and why we're wired to care)
[00:02:33] - The "Cheap Seats vs. The Arena": Why you must stop taking criticism from people who aren't being brave
[00:04:09] - How to build your "Success Squad"—the small group of people who have earned the right to give you feedback
[00:07:41] - The direct link between feeling judged and unconsciously scrolling to escape the feeling
[00:10:11] - System 1: Flip the script with a growth mindset (a failure only exists if you quit)
[00:11:49] - System 2: Practice self-compassion with the "Tuesday Rule"
[00:12:41] - System 3: A simple CBT tool to challenge your inner critic
[00:14:58] - Recap & Your Weekly Challenge
Resources Mentioned:
Dr. Brené Brown (researcher and author)
The Paced App
TUF Collaborative
Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)
This Week's Challenge:
Identify your "Success Squad". Take out a single sticky note and write down the names of the only people whose opinions truly matter—the ones who are in the arena with you and have earned the right to give you feedback. This is your "square squad". For the next week, when you feel a wave of criticism, look at that list and ask: "Is this voice on my note?" If not, it's irrelevant noise from the cheap seats.
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Music for The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast: "Sunny Days" by Jimmy Gunnarsson via Descript.
Transcript
00:00:01] .... I realized I was trying to knock her down a peg just to alleviate my own pain. I was sitting in the cheap seats criticizing that person in the arena, all because of my own stuff.
[00:00:14]
[00:00:23] Welcome back. That was a clip from last week's episode, part one where we got totally honest about the them problem. If you didn't catch it, you're gonna wanna go back. It's the one where I talk about the entrepreneur and the book. Hey, welcome to the Rhonda Lavoie podcast. I'm so glad you're hanging out with me.
[00:00:42] This is the show that's always about getting it done and you know, keeping it real.. Last week we really went there, right?
[00:00:50] We got vulnerable and talked about our fear of being judged often comes from our own history of judging others. And what did we figure out? We found that when someone throws out super quick, harsh criticism, that knee jerk stuff, they're usually just flashing their own envy or insecurity. Honestly, it's a total them problem.
[00:01:18] And the criticism is really just their own unhappiness coming out. So today we're moving on to part two where we discuss a strategy that has been popularized by the amazing researcher and author, Dr. Brené Brown. It's called Forging Your Armor. We're going to stop worrying so much about the critic and start building the resilience.
[00:01:40] We need to stand firm in the arena. Look, let's just keep it 100% real. Everyone tells you the solution to criticism is to just ignore the haters or to just not care what people think. But that advice is useless because we're literally wired to want connection.
[00:02:03] It's human nature. We are going to care. The real fix according to people like Dr. Brené Brown is to get super smart, super intentional, and selective about whose opinions actually matter to you. So what does that actually look like in your daily life? It means you stop letting every random voice have a vote.
[00:02:33] You intentionally filter out the noise and you reserve your precious energy only for the people who genuinely earned the right to have input in your life. The arena is where you choose to dare greatly says Dr. Brown, the people who are not taking risks, they're sitting in the cheap seats and their only job basically is to hurl judgment and criticism at those of us who are actually out there putting in the work.
[00:03:06] Brown's advice is super blunt and I love it. You can't take criticism and feedback from people who are not being brave in their lives. It just will crush you. That opinion is just irrelevant noise period. In my own entrepreneurial journey, whether it's launching my brokerage or starting this podcast or developing the Paced app, I'm sure those people are out there.
[00:03:39] I'm positive people are talking behind my back, but here's the key that criticism doesn't reach me. I do not see or hear it, and that isn't luck. It's a successful, active system of boundary setting, and honestly, it's an incredible feeling because when you do this, that noise doesn't take up space in your mind and you don't get derailed from your focus.
[00:04:09] You are literally protecting your energy and building your armor by refusing to give the cheap seats a microphone in your head. Now let's talk about who is allowed inside that circle. The key to genuine resilience is simple. You should only open yourself up to criticism. From people who have earned the right to give it. You need to identify your small, highly trusted inner circle. What some people call the square squad,
[00:04:47] they call it that because it's the list of names you could literally fit on a single sticky note. In my world, I call these people my success squad or my million dollar squad. Think of these individuals as your board of directors.
[00:05:04] They are also the people that will tell you the hard truths, not just pat you on the back and feel you full of fluff when you fall face down. They're the ones who will help you up, dust you off, and encourage you to get back in.
[00:05:16] I'm very fortunate to have my own, the peoples whose good and bad feedback I trust completely are first my wife Crystal, then the members of TUF Collaborative, and finally a handful of entrepreneurs I call my Success Squad.
[00:05:33] These are the only voices I allow in. The opinions of everyone else. Those in the cheap seats simply do not deserve a place in my mind. Let me give you a pro tip right here. I want you to think of your success squad, like your real estate closing team.
[00:05:50] When you're buying a house, are you going to listen to a random person on social media or are you going to listen to your lawyer, your mortgage broker, and your home inspector? You listen to the people who are in the deal with you, right? The ones you trust with your money and your outcome. The same boundary applies to your life and your ambition.
[00:06:12] But before we move on to the systems, I have to take a quick moment. I just got back from my 30 year high school reunion. And I wanna give a huge shout out to everyone who came up and told me that they listened to this podcast, The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast.
[00:06:27] Seriously, that meant the world to me. Thank you for following along on this journey. But listen, here's the wild thing about it. A high school reunion is the biggest, scariest pop quiz for the fear of judgment You can imagine. People bail on it because they think everyone is going to size up their job or their house.
[00:06:49] That right there, that's the them problem. Playing out loud and clear. But here's what I learned just by walking in the door, by the time you're almost 50 like I am, you realize that the place you are in your life, regardless of the detours or the journey, is a pretty proud place to be. Seriously, five decades of life is something you absolutely should be proud of.
[00:07:19] You look around and you realize everyone there has their own arena that they fought in. It was an amazing time and showing up was the kind of that final proof that the them problem just doesn't matter when you fully realize your own worth.
[00:07:41] Hey, real quick. We're talking about the fear of judgment today, and I just wanna be really honest about how we all cope with that feeling. How many times when you feel that trigger, do you just check your phone for just a minute, right? Only to look up 45 minutes later wondering where the time went.
[00:08:01] That's that unconscious escape we fall into. We think we're scrolling for pleasure, but a lot of the time we're really just scrolling to escape a feeling. That's the exact reason I'm building The Paced App It's not a punishment or a jail for your phone. It's a partner. It's a simple, non-judgmental tool that gives you a gentle pattern
[00:08:22] interrupt. Just a pause so you can be the one to decide. Did I get the laugh I came here for? Or am I stuck? So on this podcast, we'll always explore the "why" behind these habits and The Paced App. That's the tool I'm building to help with that "how" to join the wait list and follow the journey.
[00:08:43] Visit, get getpaced.app, that's G.E.T.P.A.C.E.D dot A.P.P. Okay.
[00:08:52] I just have one more thing. I promise. I mean, we're still kind of finding a rhythm here with this whole podcast thing, right? I'm still totally getting the hang of it, and I just want to say how much I truly appreciate you following along.
[00:09:06] And being here for the journey. And if you're finding this two part series helpful, if you decided who's in your Success squad, the best way you can support the show is to hit follow or subscribe right now.
[00:09:16] When you do that, it tells the platforms that this show is worth listening to, and it helps me keep these conversations going. Now that your boundaries are set, let's look at the three systems you need to put into practice, building, your resilience.
[00:09:34] That inner armor look. You aren't born with it. It's a skill you practice every single day, just like hitting the gym. The goal here is simple and it comes from a practical place. Focus on what you can control and treat yourself like someone you are responsible for managing well. This means giving your energy only to your effort and your systems and zero energy goes to other people's opinions. If you focus on your effort, you automatically starve the critics of attention.
[00:10:11] Now let's talk about the three practical systems we need to anchor that control and make it real First, flip the script with a growth mindset. That means seeing mistakes as data. When that criticism lands, you get to choose how you process it. Instead of seeing a setback as a sign that you're a failure, a final verdict if you will, you adopt what they call a growth mindset.
[00:10:42] This means mistakes are just data points. Think about it. A failure only exists if you quit, if you keep going. It was just information. Okay. I need to say that one one more time too. Think about it. A failure only exists if you quit. If you keep going. It was just information. Amazing, right? Remember the initial marketing pitch for The Paced App I talked about in the last episode?
[00:11:16] It totally flopped. I felt that massive self-doubt. But I didn't let it become a failure. It was just data. I used that information to adjust and improve the pitch and the message, and I continue to evolve that way. The value here is total freedom. When you stop trying to prove your worth and focus only on proving your skills, the opinion of the cheap seats literally becomes irrelevant.
[00:11:44] And that's freedom. Plain and simple.
[00:11:49] Second practice self-compassion. I kind of call this the Tuesday rule. You'll see why, and we've talked about this before. My simple non-negotiable rule is bounce back faster. That's the action of resilience. We all mess up. We will all drop the ball, but research shows being kind to yourself, that self-compassion is a much better fuel than beating yourself up.
[00:12:20] Being hard on yourself just makes you quit. If you drop the ball on Monday, maybe you broke your diet or skipped a crucial meeting. You don't wait for the perfect restart on the next Monday. You own the mistake. You forgive yourself for being human. And you get up on Tuesday and you keep moving. The new goal isn't perfection anymore.
[00:12:41] It's just cutting down on the time you spend on the ground. The shorter the time, the faster you get results. Third challenge the inner critic. This is the simple CBT to kill the noise. This final system is for when that judgment or self-doubt creeps in. You know, when that old imposter syndrome flares up and tries to derail you, you need a tool to fight that voice in your head. The technique is simple, even though it has a fancy term. It's called cognitive behavior therapy or CBT.
[00:13:17] You identify and challenge the thought. Your mind plays tricks on you. It throws out automatic thoughts that feel like a hundred percent facts, but they're often just exaggerated and distorted. We all fall into traps, like all or nothing thinking or jumping to the worst case conclusions.
[00:13:36] Here's how that system works. When that automatic negative thought pops up, you stop treating it like a fact. Instead, you treat it like I hypotheses to test you interrupt that emotional spiral. Write in its tracks by asking two very simple questions. Question one, what is the proof or the evidence for this thought being absolutely true?
[00:14:06] For example, if the thought is everyone is judging my new website, the proof is probably zero. You haven't sent it to anyone. Your mind just made that up. And then question two. What's the proof against it, or what are alternative explanations?
[00:14:24] And I'll give you an example. If the thought is, I am going to mess up this presentation, the proof against it is I rehearsed twice, I know the material cold, and I'm speaking to people who already like me. So let me, let me just tell you those two questions again here. Question one, what is the proof or evidence for this thought being absolutely true?
[00:14:49] And question two, what is the proof against it? Or what are alternative explanations?
[00:14:58] The final takeaway is this vulnerability is the measure of courage. You now have the framework to filter the noise and focus only on the voices that matter. Alright. That's what I've got for you guys this week. Thanks for hanging out with me and listening to the show. Please do me a quick favor. Share this episode with one person you know who needs to hear this right now.
[00:15:25] Maybe they're playing small because of fear, or maybe they just need to know they're not alone in the arena. Remember, this is The Rhonda Lavoie Podcast. And this is where we focus on getting it done and keeping it real. If today's conversation was helpful, the easiest way to make sure you don't miss the next one is to hit follow or subscribe in your favorite podcast app.
[00:15:48] New episodes drop every Tuesday. You can fund the show notes and full transcript for this episode over at rhondalavoie.com. And hey, if you're interested in The Paced App My project. That's all about taking back your time at your pace. Follow the journey at getpaced.app. Until next time, get it done and keep it real.
